Tomatoian Thoughts

I have moved!

Hi guys!

In case u think i've stopped bloggin..i haven't! i've just imported this blog to my new blog site.. with Multiply! visit me at www.tomatot2.multiply.com !

see ya!!

Cheerios

Ivy

posted by Ivy @ 11:14 PM 5 comments

Post CNY Stress

Finished hectic week!

didn't really think i would feel so stressed upon coming back from SG after Chinese New Year.. but it was! Came back on Tue afternoon, had Theology exam on Wed which i hadn't studied for. Thank GOD, (God is soo cool again), the afternoon classes were cancelled so i could study abit ! Tue evening it was a bday celerbation for my roomie, and then when we came back , it was another surprise party for her at the dorm! haha.. i really had minimal time to study for my exam! Was also helping to coordinate the surprise in between also.. and when i landed, i found out about the other assignments i had to do while i was away.. was really STReSSED!

Of course i enjoyed the parties and she really did too! THANK GOD that she was so many other wonderful friends that wanted to bless her so!! Anyway, iam really glad to have known her as my roomie, just feel abit bad that i couldn't really have been there throughout all her parties (she had another one on the next day evening), but i was really too tired.. and abit stressed out. That's as much High I-ness i can take over 2 days and over CNY!! really God's grace that i managed to finish what i finished.. THANK GOD

Somehow.. been having an increasing desire to go back home.. but i guess also afraid. Going back this CNY, i felt.. abit distant from the rest of the people in Singapore. I feel like i need to come back and rebuild relationships... kinda abit scary also.. but in a way also good, coz perhaps, i can start again? Really don't know. THings are coming to a gradual winding down here in Manila somehow.. we've had a wonderful time, a great time.. but i think all ofus are also getting conscios of the work ahead of us to do! And i guess all partially excited, but also partially apprehensive! Even though i know we will surely miss my classmates in Manila, it also comforting for me to know that we are all still in one spiritual family and now whichever country i go to, i will have another friend. I am so thankful for the relationships i have here.

it's a funny feeling though.. just this whole multiple relationship thing all over the world.. sometimes i wished that we would somehow be altogether and build from there.. but that is so not biblical also..haha. God's plan is for us to disperse and scatter throughout the world that we may bring His Good News to as many places as possible not to congregate in one place so that in the process, we can build a bigger family. I guess it's also having a conscious awareness of this because sometimes its just so easy to keep something good for urself. I feel like i've left pieces of me all over the world in that process. :p

Well,.. i still don't know what to expect when i graduate, but i;m sure i;ll get past it as i've always had, with God by my side. He has given me so much!! especially in times when i should logically have the least! I just realised that i have never gotten as much "property" as i have now, when i have the least income! :P A nice laptop, digital Camera, new HP, MP3 player and travelling in a span of 7 months! I don't know how it all happened honestly! Truly God moves in mysterious ways... HIS understanding goes beyond ours!

posted by Ivy @ 10:50 PM 0 comments

Chinese New Year in SG

Have just returned from watchin I Not Stupid Too with my family!

It's a great great show.. once again..i marvel at Jack Neo's ability to know what's happening at the grassroots level.. to grasp what's happening in the minds of the masses, youths, parents, teachers and government authorities. That is truly one quality I admire and look up to him for, the ability to understand and connect with the masses! I wonder how he does it?? How does he know what's "in" with the youths and what's out.. and what goes on in the minds of parents crafted so well and also the ability to know the struggles of teachers and just issues of the heartlanders in general. I am, again, amazed.

Today was abit of a nostalgic day.. went to do our usual CNY first day routine with the exception of church service slotted in between since this year it falls on Sunday! a short summary goes:
1) Breakfast of "Mee Sua" at Ah Peh's place (Dad's side)
2) Church Service @ Amara Hotel
3) Lunch at Ah Gong's place (Mum's side)
4) Run errands
5) Dinner @ AhPeh's with Loh Hei!
6) Movie!

But it was nostalgic coz we went back to the flat unit that i used to stay when i was young (0 to 8 yrs old) . we live in the same block of flat as Ah Peh and today we went down to look at our old unit #09-1413! I actually rang the doorbell coz i wanted to ask the owner (unfortunately no one was in) if we could look in the house. It's been 18 years.. and i was wondering if i would find the place as big as i had felt it was when i was young! I remembered that it was such a nice place to run around in.. so big! but i wonder if that was because we were much smaller sized then. There were so many places to hide.. so many places to explore. Then when we reached the void deck of our side of the flat, that i literally had not stepped there since 18 years ago! I saw the path that i would take to go for my art classes.. to the community service centre behind me, where i got chased by 2 dogs, saw a snake etc.. MEMORIES awash me! sigh.. there was a tug in my heart to recall my childhood.. those carefree days, days of going for art lessons, swimming, piano lessons and of course the not so happy ones of tuition..haha.

Just thought back of everythign that my parents had done for me and brother, to ensure we had the best in education, we were so happy! We were blessed. God was with us, though we didn't know it then. Really I am blessed.

I am 26 yo now.. and somehow, i feel abit removed from that part of my life. It's as if i'm living in a totally environment.. it's like from a true heartlander, i have morphed into a international person. And i enjoy my international 'persona' but there was also something abt the heartlander that i miss.. and looking back, it's almost like i lived two lives.

well, somehow feeling abit sad now, this present moment as i type. a slight feeling of disorientation.. though i must say i really missed the youths, esp when I saw them. It's more like, i didn't hink i missed them, but when i saw them, i realised htat i really wanted to be back here with them! Somehow, am really excited for their lives and all that will happen in their lives! It's hard to describe, but i feel like i'm going into a new phase of my life, where i draw my excitement from the lives of other pp, things happening to them or going to happen to them.. and not so much of what's happening to me now (tho still have lah)

I remembered the days when i used to be so introverted, cautious, selfconsicious when i visited my relatives, but now.. i'm like, whatever!! haha.. i just want to find out how they are doing. God has really changed me somewhere along the way i guess~

Still feeling slightly disoriented.. perhaps its just me flying about too much in a such a short span of time.. not used to this kinda life.. i feel like i've left peices of my life around..haha.. in Manila with my classmates, in my old friends, in my childhood memories and now back here in Singapore. I must say, that it takes time for me to gather my thoughts back again every once in awhile, just to kinda rediscover who i am and what i'm doing. Fairly bizarre state of my mind.. but i;m alrite.

posted by Ivy @ 12:30 AM 0 comments

More of Him, Less of Me

Today I came across a very interesting article.. the line that caught me was this: What the world needs more is more of God, not more of you, more of your Christian witnessing or your personal spiritual experience.

What the article was saying is that there should be one starting point to all things, and this starting point is when God speaks. And it is to what He speaks that we should respond, not to our previous experiences. It is very easy for us to rely on our previos counseling or life expriences when giving advice to another, but this should not be so. We will always need to come back to that place of humility to recognize that ultimately, we need God to be the One to speak into the situation that we or the person we are counseling are facing, and not us, using our past experiences or knowledge.

Of course God can use our life experiences to build another up, but we talk about these experiences only at His direction, not because we think it best. For it is when God speaks that the world is created, nations are built or torn and lives are changed. We listen to God not just to hear answers to our prayers, but for what He's speaking and respond accordingly. It is not information or knowledge He gives, but a creative Word that is living and active.

Heb 4:12
12 For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword , it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.

That conviction cut deep in me or rather sent a jolt of a reminder to me that no matter how long i've walked with God in a relationship or in ministry, I will always need to first go to Him for all matters of counsel, whether for work, myself or others instead of dishing out advice from what I already know because His Word alone is life-bringing. May I never exalt myself nor my experiences beyond His Living Word again!

posted by Ivy @ 1:22 AM 1 comments

Let Me Number My Days...

Wanted to share a message that I heard in Shanghai from a Chinese pastor during Watchnight service that has changed the way I pray since I came back from there.

Ps 90:12
12 Teach us to number our days aright,
that we may gain a heart of wisdom.


“Teach us to number our days aright…” We are good at counting money, friends, people, a shepherd his sheep, a restauranteur the dishes served, a shopkeeper his stock, but how many of us, would count the number of days on earth? Here the Scripture reminds us that our days are numbered.. but yet few people do so.

Well, I know I don’t really number my days, unless its days to an exams or something. I live like I still have a tomorrow and many days after that.. I never really bought into the “live each day like it’s the last” though it sounds like a really good slogan and idea. It just isn’t feasible or plausible practically. If I lived each day like it was the last, I would just stay home with my family ALL day, and never go to work! I would spend or give all my money away and eat all that I can and want to. But I don’t think it’s not possible to live life like that everyday, or perhaps, I’m too literal a person. I appreciate the spirit of carpe diem behind it, but yet, there’s still something more I’m seeking, something that I know I can live on a daily basis and be a good steward of the days God has given me.

Ps 139:16
...All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

Psalm 139 tell us that God had already pre written our days for us even before it came to be. There is a story plot that has been crafted but God has given us the choice to either follow along His plot that is in accordance to His good, pleasing and perfect will or write our own story. And unfortunately, I think many people, including me in the past choose the latter. Everyday has a God-given purpose, unique in itslef, and I have begun to pray daily that God would fulfill His purpose for me for that day, and let that day count. Be it meeting someone to encourage, to bless, to pray for, to build relationships with, then let it be, but I don’t want that day to pass selfishly.. in self-absorbed ambitions or non-ambition. I want it to count, to make a difference to someone else and not just to myself…. I want it to count, not just for myself, but to God and to someone else.

Teach me to number my days aright, God.. let me see things from Your perspective that i may gain a heart of wisdom!

posted by Ivy @ 1:17 AM 1 comments

Re-entry Stress Thoughts

Came back from Macau last nite.. reached the dorm at about 8 smthg last nite..

When i was at the airport and heard the familiar filipino accent.. though it felt like a pre-welcome home, i had to remind myself, i'm entering another culture again! I actually felt rather depressed just thinking abt the fact that i'm leaving my friends in China.. will miss being with Waiyi and my ex-colleagues but i guess most of all, the carefree life i was living then! haha!

I guess no matter what, i've come from a culture closer to China than the Philippines so i just miss being able to speak Singaporean - hearing pp with the same accent as i do.. speaking SInglish with close friends, sharing things from Singaporean perspectives because they understand but most of all sharing our thoughts of the future now coming from the same place.

But perhaps it's not just a Singaporean thing.. it's a friend and trust thing.. people you've built enough foundations with to know what you can share and how and that they'd understand. So you feel comfortable and relaxed and be more of yourself! :) I did enjoy however, meeting pp from the other nations over there.. it's always fascinating to hear from different perspectives and I wouldn't ever want to cut that out from my life ever! But at the end of the day, it makes a difference when u still have people that u can come back to and share in your own language .. or perhaps a feeling of home. A place of belonging and rest and acceptance. Just where after the season of adventure, you can still come back home and find rest.

Really going to miss the time of sharing with Waiyi.. fighting over space on the bed.. squishing Bobby the Panda out..stepping into the bathroom with my outside slippers, forgetting to turn of the heater / electric blanket.. and taking like 30 min just to get ready with all teh winter gear!haha. I will keep the memories of laughter and sharing :)

To be with family also, to be as myself, to be a daughter, a sister and now a grand-daughter? to celebrate the joy of GOd's work in our family and just to see what Family's about... How can i not be grateful?

(Family Pic in front of People's Hall in Chongqing)

He has surprised me with joy, providing me with such amazing opportunities to bring me to the world, to bring the world to me in one place (like at the dorm), to experience family as it should be.. all this at a time when i thought i wouldn't have the resources (now that i'm a student) or the ability to do so, He continues to bless me, shower His favor on me and protects me and for nothing i've done. I am safe in His hands!

I have discovered one of the best CDs ever this trip thanks to Waiyi! Ross Parsley's I Am Free! THe following is the lyrics from the song, On My Lips in this CD... and kinda reflects the condition of my heart now:

posted by Ivy @ 12:13 PM 1 comments

???????so blessed?

good day to all!

been feeling this way since my 2nd day in Chongqing - the feeling of being blessed to overflowing! Met my new step-family here over this Christmas season.. which consists of a very adorable high “i” step-aunt and a pair of very loving doting stepgrandparents who also happen to be great cooks :)

just had a great time with our new family and im just super grateful for this family! We had the opportunity to share our testimonies and the gospel on Saturday morning,24th Dec around the breakfast table with grandma and the aunt and it was also such a great time of bonding. No definite decisions made yet for Jesus but i do hope it won't be long! It was howvever, a big step forward for this new family we have. Part of me wished we could be here longer and guide them towards a relationship with Christ .. i really hope they come to know God!

Also, i had one of the most interesting and happening Xmas eve so far! this was the first time i've experienced a family based karaoke! haah we went to this teenybopperish Karaoke place called haoledi - i'm quite sure we were the oldest group there. .. but imagine this! all of us had a turn at the mike.. from the grandparents to grandchildren.. our gamut of songs ranged from Deng Lijun to Boyzone to Jolin Tsai and Jay Chou.. and it was so cool and fun because of our super high I auntie! Just watching everyone in action.. i really feel so blessed. I honestly do think i have the coolest family ever.

Not only so, that very nite as we returned home, Amanda's auntie, Beibei (who's actually 2 years younger than her) started to tske an interest in the bible that amanda and i were reading. Thank GOd for Chinese version of One to One!.. Amanda was able to share with Beibei part of the first chapter on Salvation and she asked to be a Christian. Meanwhile, as i was watching this 15 year old share the word of God with 13 year old, my heart again was filled with hope and joy, that truly God has orchestrated and knitted this family for the furtherance of His kingdom. I know there is so much more He can do!

How do i balance this new found 'coolness' of my new family with the memories of the past family life? honestly, i don't know but i haven't actually really felt the need to balance anything.. my past remains the past with memories of my mum and my childhood and the fun we had.. but the verse that consistently comes to mind is

" From the fullness of His grace we have all received one blessing after another." (John 1:16)

and i can only say, that so much of life is the grace of God at work.. and today is that same grace that is continuing its work in our lives. There is something about God and knowing Him, that enlarges your vision and your heart in life. I am currently in a place in my life where i can stand and say that i (as if i were a third person now) can fully understand if i had chosen to reject my current life but yet, because in His graciousness, He has given me a bigger heart to hold reality, to see things, perhaps abit more the way He does, i have walked the way i've walked. And I've also seen that He truly desires none to perish but His love is for all and He would use all means that He would at least save some.

THough life situations could potentially and naturally be cruel to human soul, yet He is able to redeem, if only we let Him. I've been refelcting at how God has added this new family to mine, and even though my step-family thinks my brother and i are 'kind' to have welcomed them in the way we have, it is so clear to me that it is the truly the kindness of God at work in this entire family. Scripture tells us

It is the kindness of God which leads us to repentance (Romans 2:4). and how true it has become for me!

Is God cruel, to use our family situation in order that my step family may come to know Him? Is He also being unjust/ unfair then, to allow us to go through the sorrow that more may be reconciled to Him? (think: plagues in Egypt.. deja vu) At first glance, i think it is easy for a person to jump into defense mode to say that God is just making use of us and doesn't care about the pain of how we feel, but yet, to step into the larger picture, it is a matter for rejoicing.. the parable of the lost coin.. the parable of the 1 sheep that was lost but was found. Such is the heart of God.. such is His heart for man. and in all fairness, it hasn't been all 'suffering' for my first family... truly He has added one blessing after another.. i cannot even count the joy that Amanda has brought to my life and now the other extension of the family, from her mum, to her auntie and to her grandparents. I am not discounting the pain and the hurt that we've gone through and im not saying that God purposely made us go through it that way so His plans can be fulfilled. I'm sure there could have been a better way of fulfilling His purposes with alot less pain if human sin hadn't been involved, but again, God is in the business of turning around what the Enemy meant for evil, for the good of those who love Him and I believe that that is what He has done. Praise God for His everlasting love and kindness! :p

I continue to be so fascinated by how God has joined this 2 families together.. from a little town in Singapore.. to another little town within Chongqing. I mean, i just wonder how He handpicked these 2 families and orchestrated this whole thing. Somehow, i feel this joining of these 2 families is somewhat unique and significant.. how or what, i don't know but i only ask that it will bring great glory and advancement to the kingdom of God! My heart is filled with the joy of feeling blessed of God.. Thank you LORD, for this amazing family!

posted by Ivy @ 11:02 PM 0 comments

Unconventionally Fulfilling Life

Well it's almost midnite as i type this.. so i'll keep it short.

Feels great to be back at the dorm though i'm still in the process of letting reality sink in.. amazing what technological advancement in air travel has done to our world.. one moment u wake up in one country and in awhile you're spending the night in another!

i didn't expect it, but i guess i'm already missing Singapore in some ways.. yet at the same time, it feels so good to be back at the dorm with my new friends.. the warm welcome i received.. the hugs and beso-beso..haha.. i miss that. I really feel like a part of a family! That's one thing i love about spiritual family.. wherever i go.. it's like I have family. Honestly, i feel like i can live anywhere in the world with spiritual family! and i love that feeling :)

The bible reminds us that our citizenship is in heaven and we are but sojourners of this world.. But i just realised how wonderful it is to have abit of heaven here on earth, simply because of the relationships that we have with other fellow sojourners here now. These are the relationships that we will carry on for eternity, not separated by distance nor culture... it's just an awesome, awesome feeling.

When i went to Sharon's wedding on 5 Nov 05, i met many of my peers from SNGS and got plenty more updates about the rest of pp.. many of them are all high flyers now.. officers in Ministry of Finance, Education, Lawyers, Architects, Doctors etc.. and I was just thinking back that ALL my SNGS closest girlfriends ( i.e. Ann, Yinwei, Bea, Joon, Sharon and Xiuyan) are either attached or married to scholars cum Dean's Listers! And of course naturally, i began to think of myself, and where i am now.. single, not working professionally now.. nowhere near the accomplishments (as defined in the regular world) that these pp have achieved. And i guess that really prompted me to think, if i made the right choices.. and if i gave up the right things in my life. In a way.. i think this was probably the first time i literally "counted" the cost of being a disciple coz i never really thought about it. I guess i'd pretty much jumped headlong into following Christ from the day i knew He is real and He is good.. and never really looked back.

Anyway, meeting up with these people really caused me to think hard.. and for a moment, my heart panicked with the competitive streak in me coming up.. i wanted to compare myself with them! But, quite amazingly, this was stilled in time because I realised, if i really inspect my life, I am happy. I mean not just happy, but contented and thrilled with the way my life has turned out. My life is not conventional, i know.. and it's never been conventional since i came to know the Lord. It fact, it has been nothing less than fascinating. Not without trial and challenge, but certainly fascinating. Let me try to ennumerate for myself the key highlights of my life since then:

1) Going for Fall Exchange program in PSU - Travelled to NYC, Philly, Toronta, Niagara Falls
2) Going myanmar to teach english
3) Enrolled myself for a month in CHINA to learn to teach english as a second language
4) Plant myself in Manila for 10 months to take on a Christian leadership course..

and being able to share the word in Chinese when i was blacklisted in SNGS for my chinese, to sing again, and leading worship (im not good at it still but at least i did it! :p ) when my voice was condemned by my music teacher, to now speak before adults and youths in large groups when i was even afraid to speak unseen over the PA system in secondary school..And all these in the midst of my many personal and family life changes..

God has done so much for me and He has taken me to places i never would have dreamt of for myself.. and do things i would never thought i'd do. He gave me a bigger heart than i knew i had. My life IS unconventional.. and i love it! Not necessarily successful as the world defines it.. but certianly fulfilling for me :)

One of my greatest fears when i was young was that i'd turn out to be one of those "boring adults"... hahah.. and though i'm not exactly the most exciting of all pp, but i know my life is definitely NOT boring!

And just as i was mulling over whether i made the right choices... i remembered my friends at the dorm in philippines.. my "spiritual family" friends from the different nations.. and i just knew and knew i had NO regrets taking 1 year and going to Manila.. if for nothing but to have known such great men and women as friends. I am so incredibly blessed.

Not only so, i was just reading a book on inner healing and deliverance.. but what struck me the most was the fact that Jesus came to free us from all these unnecessary bondage and baggage in our lives! feelings of rejection, strive for perfectionism, depression, worry etc.. He came just so we wouldn't have to go through all that! He gave His life that we may have power over all that and we don't have to lead a life of meaninglessness and drudgery. For the life of me, i can never figure out why He'd do that.. but He did.. and i know it's just love. How deep, how high , how long, how wide His love is for us.. i've yet to comprehend. but I am grateful. Jesus didn't have to do it, but He chose to. It's true, as some one once said: " it's either Jesus was either a really really crazy man, or He was really who He said He is.. the Son of God." And I say He is the Son of God.

God has been so nice to me.... as undeserving as I am.. He has been soo nice. Thank You so much, Jesus. I don't know what i can do.. but to tell people about You. THank YOU!

posted by Ivy @ 11:55 PM 3 comments