Necessary Ambiguity
Was packing up some of my stuff in OTi tonight, when i came across some work that I did when i had just started work there in 4 June 2001.. and sigh.. the feeling of sadness just washed over me again..I really really dislike farewells... I can't believe that i'm really leaving! though honestly, it doesn't feel like i'm leaving yet.
I will miss the pp in OTi soooo much.. they are like my extended family!
Just really think that God is so great... It's jst almost unbelievable to me how He has constantly surrounded with the most amazing pp. Yes, there are pp that hurt, or have breached my trust.. but there are always always the ones whose love outlast any hurt. I am SO thankful.
Don't expect my blog to make sense.. these are going to be ramblings of my late nite thoughts.. as usual.
I face my next phase of life with a bit of apprehension.. well, actually, ALOT. hahah.. moments like this, i hear this voice going in my head.. the mini-Ivy.. "What in the world ARE u doing???" - a mini panic attack.. I guess apprehension of not knowing what to expect ? and so much ambiguity...!
Which brings me to my next point. I have just discovered that i can be such a perfectionist and control freak! Never really saw myself that way, but a few recent events jst really seemed to point that way. There's just something in me that wants to make sure everything that I do runs perfect. It's funny though, coz just tonite, was talking in the cab w some friends, and brought to mind the memory of my 12th bday.. which turned out so ghastily horrendous... i think i remembered i felt so embarassed that it was MY party or smthg.. hmm.. could that have been the trigger point? Could that have been the memory that drove me to start wanting to organise my own parties (if ever)??? though i don't think it's fully the reason.. coz the reason (which i consciously know of) why i organise my parties is more coz i don't want to trouble others and also coz as your network of friends grow, not every one knows everyone enuf to invite everyone.. that kinda jst leaves - you to do the invitation.
But it does seem that recent events point in that direction.. that there is this element of wanting to be in control so as to gain watever perfection i can attain, in me... which is something to be alarmed and something i really need to let God deal with me in this. This is probably the reason why ambiguity almost kills me... i can't stand ambiguity!!! In ALL situations... it really really really really noses me and bugs me to the hilt!!!
As of now, i must say i don't have a solution to this.. so i'm kinda jst hanging in here, knowing this is smthg i need to deal with somehow... but at the same time, hoping that this dealing with this thing is not another manifestation of being in control of my life? u noe wat i mean? sigh. but watever it is, it can't go on.
What i'm really interested to know is, what started this whole thing? when did i start getting so sticky abt making sure everything goes well and according to plan? did smthg happen to me last time? hmm.. i guess i'll find out in time
As of now.. i must learn to live with necessary ambiguity.. or learn to accept that there are just some ambiguities that i just have to accept. It's really really tough. but will learn.
ambiguity...
"..., for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want."
- Philippians 4:11b-12
posted by Ivy @ 1:45 AM
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