Worth Living For
so sad! i can't post pictures up!I think i have too much software on my new laptop.. for camera, for my palm, for uploading stuff to Snapfish, for CutePDF.. BUT, i think i'll need them leh.
Wow.. jst back from a 3 day 2 nite youth leadership camp! haha.. i'm a little exhausted but still very amazed that I was fairly calm (din lose my head) through out though some things jst din work out the way it should have. aniways, i can't believe it's over! yahoo!
though it was run for the youths.. i felt that it was a leadership camp for ME.. except it was in practicum.. haha.. i think alot of emotional stress on my part though i may not display it all the time,, but it was as if the grace of God cloaked and doused that... it's funny.. coz u feel abit of isolation from the moment.. coz the focus was really jst to walk it through... so in a way, i felt abit removed. but it was learning camp for me.. through this camp and its preparation, God really reminded me that at the end of this, it's not just the camp, but also to develop the people that were involved in the camp.. not that i have all the skills already or i know everything (coz obviously i so do NOT) but I had to change my perspective of seeing this camp as not just for the youths but also for everyone involved in it. Give grace for mistakes to be made... give grace for second chances.. coz God is a God of second chances and I've been a MAJOR recipient of that. And u noe wat? ? i think in the midst of doing that, i realised that it was also easier to be more forgiving of my own mistakes! and that was good too :)
I don't know if that's a good thing or bad, but good in the sense that i didn't take things too emotionally.. but not so good in the sense.. that well, mabbe i could have missed out on feelin more joy? u noe, the same analogy of "what's the point of not feeling pain when you can't feel love?" anyway, i don't if it was the case, but i did feel a guard/ separation of facts from feelings while there and it's DEFINITELY different from the way i've felt abt camps before. I'm alot of less emotional now for some reason.. and more guarded. Good? Bad? two sides of a coin i guess.
But if u ask me, my greatest ta pao from this camp is also knowing how much more inadequate i am apart from God in the area of relating to pp... I don't know where that ability i used to have went. It's so funny that when i was in school, i always felt that the only skill or talent i had was the ability to have close friendships. First of all, i really felt i had like ZERO talent, and it seemed to me that the only thing i was good at at, was to be a friend to someone and be there to listen etc etc.. BUT, it looks like this as changed along the way! i don't know if my girlfriends would agree with me.. but i really do feel a greater inability to have that kind of close friendships i used to have.. or mabbe just to relate to people etc.. there's some kind of stress some how..and also a wall.. and i rather be alone. Honestly, I think i'd be super contented to just sit around and observe the people and the conversations.. to laugh.. i don't mind sharing stuff either.. but relating.. is different. It consumes sooo much energy from me.. I like to be a high S profile.. to be a 'D' or 'I 'is such a stretch and energy consuming... i become beside myself.. it's like from outside looking in.. and just watching Ivy @ work, in action.. while the other Ivy wants to sit down, listen and relax. When did relating become a chore? or is it only in certain situations that it becomes a chore? I don't know.. i haven't really analysed that yet.. I just wanna sit down and be still. i miss the days that i'd just have a consistent ONE person to share with.. and not different pp with different chunks :(
I guess I miss the kind of friendships i used to have in school, but i know they won't come back.. simply because we've all moved on to a new phase of our life.. if u ask me, THIS is the most difficult part for me to accept and adapt in growing up. But i know i must, and by the grace of God, I know I will.
O well, the past is not to be dwelt on.. but just have to walk onwards..
When i look at my next step.. bells go a-ringing in my head! i'm now at a state of "what am i doing???" Who says i'm not afraid? I am. Afraid of more pain that'd come in my life... I don't want that. I really don't. What makes me think there'll be more pain? simply because i'm alive in this world. and there's nothing that can shield a heart from pain and heartache... if i could invent anything in the world,, i would invent a pain shielder.. so u feel love and all good things but not heart pain.. no more missing people, no more sense of loss, no more disappoinments.
But I have to remind myself again... Who am I fighting for? Whose blood-stained scarf is it that I carry in this fight? It belongs to Someone worth living for.
Who Am I
"Who am I that You are mindful of me, That You hear me, when i call... "
"Who am I, that the Lord of all the Earth would care to know my name, care to feel my hurt.
Who am I, that the bright and morning star, would choose to light the way, for my ever wandering heart..
Not because of who I am , but because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done, but because of who You are"
Help me, Lord, to live for You!
posted by Ivy @ 1:02 AM
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